Coffee Talk - What a wreck I've become!

Karie is joining my for Coffee Talk today...but she is having Hot Cocoa...that she almost spilled all over the couch. lol

I am not going to do a wiegh in and pictures today. Nope. I'm not.

Why?

Because I said so.

Honestly? I've been sad. Really sad. It's been almost a month since Hawk passed away and my sadness hasn't gotten any better. I haven't felt really HAPPY since. I feel like something is missing every single day.

Yesterday I took a nap and had the most vivid dream...ever. I dreamt that I was taking a nap and heard a dog walking in my bedroom. I heard the nails on the floor and the sound was so familiar. In my dream I called this dog on the bed. I heard the running, the jump on the couch and then felt the dog run up on the bed and lay next to me. In my dream I woke up and it was Hawk laying next to me. His little tail was wagging as fast as it could go and his body was shaking he was so excited to see me. It was that point in my dream I woke up and realized that it was just a dream. My heart hurt like the moment I found out he was gone. I instantly started crying. Not just a little, but a lot. I couldn't stop crying. Everything hurt and I missed him.

Most people don't understand what I am going through. They think it's crazy that  I am so "emotional over a dog" and I shouldn't be this upset. But I am this upset and I can't help it. I hide it as much as I can around the kids. Karie mainly. She has a lot more "bad days" than "good days" when it comes to Hawk. She cries a lot because she misses him. I try my best not to cry when I see her crying over him but sometimes I can't. I hold her and tell her it's okay as tear run down my face. She looks at me and tells me it will be okay. She's so sweet to try to make me feel better.

So, I've been sad over my dog. I have been eating healthy mostly but going to the gym has been a huge fail. Thankfully we did have some nice weather and I was able to get out and go on walks, play with the kids and just enjoy fresh air. That has got to count for something right?

However, I REALLY need to get into the swing of things. In 2 weeks I am doing a boudoir shoot with my friend Sarah, who is amazing BTW, and I want to have a great body for that shoot. So I am going to kick ass for the next 2 weeks. I am not going to post any photos of my body or my weight. However, I will post a photo or two from my shoot. So we'll see how what happens.

Let's hope that I find some happy and get out of this rut. I really need it.

Maybe my coffee hot cocoa buddy will help me find some joy. My kiddos are really good at finding happy in this world.

My 5th...6th weigh in!

I TRIED to weigh in last weekend but like I said, my scale died so I am counting this as my 6th weigh in. ;)

So I put the batteries in my scale. "I don't really want to do this." I said my to myself. With my horrid lack of motivation & how awful these last 2 weeks have been I was expecting to have gained weight.

No. I didn't gain weight...but I didn't lose weight either.

The exact same weight as I was 2 weeks ago. Ew. I mean, it sucks I haven't lost anything but at least I didn't gain weight. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I did fail the last two weeks so I shouldn't complain. I'm happy with 122.0.

I can see a difference at least.

*forgive my strange top today. i realized that my normal sports bra is in the washer. this is my backup. it's a tank top with a built in sports bra.*

As you can see I am still doing "fuck it" hair because I hate the weather here. 70's by this weekend...we'll see. Whatever. At least there is a decent change since March 15th.

I hate looking at that first photo. I mean, it's not like I was fat or anything but it just isn't the me I want to see.

The side view is changing nicely as well.

I don't look 5 months pregnant anymore! lol

There won't be any complaining from me. I don't HATE my results.

I'm not being a hardcore like some people. I won't even get into that. We'll save that for another post because I have a lot to vent about that!

For now, I will just enjoy my cup of coffee and my size 2 jeans!

Coffee Talk - I give up April

So, April  pretty much is the icing on the poop cake. Or the fly on the poop cake. It's been a fail. There was no weigh in last week. There should have been but when I went to step on the scale I realized my battery died. Great. I have owned the damn thing for about a month and the battery dies. It isn't like I even weigh myself that often. So I gave up and didn't even do photos for a progress post.

I hate April. It's been chalked full of awful and I am ready for May. Not to mention that the weather has just sucked. Snow storm after snow storm with hardly a bit of warmth in sight. Apparently we are going to get out of the 30's and hit 70 this weekend. I am not holding my breath.

This seasonal depression has got to go. I have zero motivation for anything. I don't want to work out. I don't want to eat. I don't want to work. I don't want to do a thing. This is all on top of the other stressers this month has brought. Seriously. I'm just over it.

I'm ready to workout in the warmth of the sun. Go running, walking BE OUTSIDE WITHOUT WEARING A PARKA! It is horribly depressing waking up to see 6+ inches of snow on the ground while I see everyone on FB posting pictures of the trees blooming and their flowers growing.

This what it looked like yesterday morning when I woke up. Thankfully because we have GIANT trees in our front yard we don't get a ton in the front. I try to avoid looking in the backyard where the snow piles up and never leaves.

I am TRYING to motivate myself. It's not working very well, but trying is better than not so I just need to push forward. I finally bought batteries for my scale...but I haven't put them in yet. I did a photoshoot with my kids yesterday to try and lift my spirits. It worked for a short time. I mean, the results were ADORABLE!

But sadly, looking outside just ruined it all.

I should put up little notes around my house to help me stay motivated and to stay positive. I hate to be such a Debbie Downer but thankfully, it isn't just me. I swear Minnesota is in a deep state of depression because of the weather. I hate that other people are feeling this way, but I feel better knowing that it isn't just me being the Mayor of Crazytown, USA.

Blah! Just bring on the sunshine and warm weather to brighten my spirits & light a fire under my bum to get motivated!!

Coffee Talk - SHOPPING!

The best thing about losing weight is buying new clothes. Hands down the very best thing.

I love to shop. It is no surprise to anyone. However, in the past I HATED buying things for myself. I had zero confident in my body. There have been many many instances that I would breakdown in the changing room because I couldn't find anything that I liked. I felt that everything looked awful on me. So many tears. I also had no idea what my style was. I refused to spend much money at all on clothes because I hated them.

As I lose more weight I get more and more confident. I have started to buy more clothes that I really like. Clothes that make me feel good about myself. I recently went on a tiny shopping spree.

First up are the GAP tees. They are awesome let me tell ya. They are a bit baggy & super soft. I love how they hang. I feel like I need to buy every single color they make. lol

I also bought colored jeans. I never in my life thought I would do it. I took the leap and bought ONE pair. If I like them, I'll go buy more.  I am kind of excited about them.

I shop at Forever 21 a lot...but for Karie. I rarely find anything in there that is me. It seems a lot of stuff is really young. But I saw this dress and had to have it. I passed it up probably 10 times and finally the 11th trip (lol) I tried it on and HAD TO HAVE IT! It's way better quality than most things sold there & I was super impressed. Now I need an excuse to wear it...and Spring to actually arrive in Minnesota. Also, the dress looks shiny. It isn't. It's really matte & super freaking cute on!!

Now I don't wear shorts that often. I own one pair. I don't even think I wore them once last summer. Just dresses and pants all summer long. I decided to order a really nice pair of shorts from Victoria's Secret. I love their clothing. Next to GAP, VS is my fave hands down. I wear VS everyday...for sure under all my clothes. ;) Now if the warm weather would ever come I could try these suckers out!

I have a slight obsession with scarves. I own far too many but they are just too awesome not to. The first two came from Charlotte Russe at $5 a piece for their scarf sale. Totally impressed. They are so much cuter on! The 3rd on is from Francesca's. If you don't know what that store is, you need to go there or go online. I LOVE this store. They have the best accessories. 3rd fave store.

I am really excited to start wearing all these clothes. I need new jeans but am waiting until summer when HOPEFULLY there will be a bigger sale. Mainly waiting for another 40% off Friends & Family thing at GAP. That is the only time I buy their jeans...and I only wear their jeans.

Oh totes forgot about the cute jewelery!

A few weeks ago I won a bow ring from Apple of My Eye Jewelry. Not only did they send me a ring, but they sent 2 necklaces and 2 bracelets.  I am wearing one necklace and bracelet in today's pictures. Oh and a newer shirt too that I got a couple of weeks ago. I am channeling Spring.

I'm really ready for nice weather to show off my hard work. I still have a lot of hard work to go, but my confidence is SOARING and I want to be able to show it off! Bring it on Spring!!!!!

When you lose, you win!

I haven't really felt that good about myself in a while. Last Sunday I felt super pretty. We went to a party at Jax Cafe in Minneapolis for the Mad Men Season 6 Premier Party. Everyone gets dressed up in Mad Men attire, has a fantastic dinner & watches the show on a huge screen. Not to mention they have a photographer there to take photos.

I felt insanely pretty that day. And skinny. Skinny as in I didn't feel like when I looked down I had pudge. I usually hate my arms too. They aren't fat, they are just...there. Kyle took a photo of me & Elsie before we left. I thought it was the cutest picture ever. I normally hate when people take pictures of me. I didn't hate this.

Elsie is our new puppy by the way. She is a 9 week old Pit Bull/Hound mix who we just adopted. I miss Hawk something fierce but she is really good at helping put together the pieces of my broken heart. So thanks Elly Belly.

Fast forward to today. I rarely wear tight shirts. Normally something a little loose with my jeans. Something comfy. I was cleaning my kitchen and was super hot in my sweatshirt so I put on a tank top. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door when I came inside from throwing some things in the recycling bin. I stopped and looked at myself for a moment. Was that my body?

A couple of days ago I put on my size 2 jeans and they fit. So I started to wear them. I normally wear 4. Jean sizes are random between different brands. These are GAP. Not sure how they run other places but these jeans fit awesome and I can justify buying them because they always have great 40% off sales.

I  had these size 2 jeans on with a tank top and there was a chubby roll pudding from my tank top. I thought I was seeing things so I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I still didn't' believe it so I grabbed my phone and took a few photos.

*forgive my bottom boob lol*

I really am losing the inches!! This is the first time I felt like I had really made some progress. I could tell. I then decided to take pictures of myself in my size 4 jeans and my dress pants. My dress pants are getting really big on me. 

Needless to say I will be needing to go buy new dress pants soon. lol Thankfully I can get away with them for a little bit longer by sewing an extra button in them but it won't last. I have wanted to buy new ones but never saw the point since I didn't want to spend money on a body I didn't like.

I am thrilled. I really needed some good news and this news really makes me giddy.

My 4th Weigh In

With everything going on this past week I knew that my weigh in wasn't going to be awesome. I didn't know if I was going to gain weight, lose weight or stay the same. I told myself before hand that if I did gain weight. It was okay. I totally fell off the lifestyle change. Okay, so not completely, but I didn't take care of myself as I should. I didn't eat junk food but I did have my fair share of alcohol and I don't regret it.

Last week I weight 122.6 pounds. Today...

.6 pounds isn't awful. Hell, it isn't bad at all. It's better than the alternative so I will take it.

I know that I have lost inches because I went from wearing size 4 GAP jeans to size 2. I am completely sitting in them as I type this. I don't feel 100% in them. They fit, and I wear them, but my tummy isn't as flat as I want. But that is the point of this whole thing, to get there. So I better get...getting? lol

I don't see a huge difference in my the front view.

 Forgive my awful hair. Minnesota decided it still wanted to be winter so I said "fuck it" to doing my hair today since I know I will be out in this crap shoveling several times. It's fun. And by fun I mean it sucks. But it is a workout. Right? Lemonade from Lemons.

I see a little difference from the first day until now. Not a ton but that will come with time. I have to constantly be telling myself it takes time. These results won't happen over night even though I wish it could.

The side view however I can see a difference.

I really like that!! I can see it becoming a lot flatter. It's hard to keep going when you don't SEE a difference. Good thing I have been FEELING a difference. I feel healthier and my clothes fit better. Some fit worse, as in they are getting big. I am okay with that. I have no problem losing weight and then going shopping. I have stopped shopping pretty much all together for clothes for myself. There is no point when I hope to not fit into my clothes by the end of this. Well, not all of them. I can belt stuff and I do wear some of my clothes more loose.

That view makes me happy. I am tempted to put it as my backdrop on my phone I am so happy about it. But that means changing the photo I have on there now of Hawk and that just isn't happening. So instead I'll just randomly keep looking at it & telling myself that I can do it.

Now if only Mother Nature would get on board with my change. She is making it REALLY difficult to go & workout outside with the constant winter. We are all over it. Bring on the sun. Mama is ready for dresses and flip flops. And Caribou at the park instead of being stuck inside.

Coffee Talk - Nothing to do with weight and everything to do with Hawk.

Friday early afternoon the dogs were playing in the backyard like normal. This day was different though. Hawk, our 10 pounds 11 year old Min Pin escaped. It's not the first time he has done this. Even though our yard is fenced in, he will dig and get out. Since he is small it takes just a few minutes for him to do it and he doesn't do it very often. We started a project last fall & have been putting rock beds around the fence so he couldn't do that. We got half of the yard done & planned to finish it in the Spring. Sadly, this time he didn't return. Kyle found Hawk in the road a few blocks away. He had been hit by a car and he was dead. No one stopped to see if he was okay. He died. He died painfully and he died alone. Just about the worst way a dog can go. All alone.

I was gone when it happened. I had went to pick up the kids from school & Kyle was home on lunch. I am glad I wasn't there. I am glad the kids weren't there. I wouldn't have been able to witness it.

When I got home and found out I was numb. It felt surreal. I couldn't understand what just happened. I was just snuggling him that morning. I ate my lunch early that day & had leftovers from dinner the night before. I ate it at the couch with Hawk sitting on the lap. I rarely give Hawk any of my food but he looked so cute. I fed him some. He was so thrilled. Funny thing is that Kyle fed the dogs some of his chicken before letting them in the backyard that day too. So at least he went with a full belly.

The rest of Friday was spent crying. Pretty much the entire day. I tried to stop but I couldn't. Everything hurt. I missed him. He has been apart of my life for so long.

In 2005 I turned 21 and for my birthday Kyle said he was going to get me a dog. I searched the internet for dogs to adopt. None of them jumped out at me. Then I read an ad about a lady who needed to find homes for all her dogs. She was moving off her farm and didn't have room. Hawk was one of those dogs but back then he was called "Puppy" even though he was already 4 years old. lol There were no pictures but for some reason that ad spoke to me. I emailed the lady and we chatted a bit and she said we sounded like a great family. A few days later we took a 3.5 hour drive to the middle of no where to pick up Hawk. He was on a leash fresh out of the bath in the front yard waiting for us. He was nervous and scared but sat on my lap the entire car ride back. I took a billion photos of him on that drive home. Ones I'll cherish forever even though they are poor quality.  I took a billion photos of him in general. Until I had kids, Hawk was in almost every photo.

The first few days with him were rough. He was very scared of us. He would bark when we went near him and would run away any time he tried to take him outside. We had to corner him to get his leash on him. I remember crying to Kyle saying that my dog hated me.

After a few days he started to warm up to us. He let us put him on the leash. He didn't bark at us and he even sat on the same couch as us. We were making progress.

It wasn't long after that he became the dog that I knew & loved for the past almost 8 years. Hawk went pretty much everywhere with us. He didn't mind sleeping in the car while we shopped as long as it wasn't too hot or cold. We left him at home for longer shopping trips however I am sure he would have much rather been in the car. Hawk & I were pretty much insperable. Even after we had the kids. He was always there. When I had Kegan I brought a picture of him to the hosptial with me. I remember telling Kyle how much I missed him & wished he could have been there with us.

We had a connection. I wish I could explain it. I loved Hawk. He loved me. It was more than just a dog/human relationship. As dumb as it sounds, Hawk was my doggy soul mate. We were meant to be together. He was meant to be my dog and I was meant to be his human. I never met anyone who had a connection like we did. Kyle, who is a big dog person and had them all his life, said he never had a connection with a dog like I did. I have heard the before too. Hawk was my dog.

I am so scared I will never have that connection with another dog. I feel like something is missing in my heart. There is a huge hole. A void. This dog had an extra special place in my heart. What if I never have a dog who loves me like Hawk did? I love my dogs, don't get my wrong, but the love I had for Hawk and the love he had for me was different. I miss that. I want that.

Sometimes Kyle would drive me to work before the kids were born. When he'd pick me up I'd walk out & see Hawk at the window. His whole body would be shaking because he was so excited. Kyle would tell me that as soon as he said "Want to go see Mommy!" He would bark and jump and get so excited.

Hawk could jump high. That dog must have been part trampoline. lol Whenever he got excited he would bounce all over the place. Even after he broke his leg and the doctors said he'd never jump again, he did. Nothing kept him down. Whenever I'd walk in the door I'd get a little dog jumping at me. Anything to get closer. Up until he died just about every time I'd come home I'd pick him up and hug him. He'd kiss my cheek and we'd snuggle for a mintue.

Coming home is strange. It's a lot quieter. He may have only been 10 pounds but he sure was loud when he wanted to be. My feet are colder at night because I don't have him sleeping under the covers anymore. When I take a bath I am not going to have him sleeping on the rug because he had to be close to me.

It's been a very hard few days. I drank a lot Friday night. Kyle played mom and dad that night so I could escape reality for a bit. It didn't matter. That is all I could think about. I cried all night. I barely slept. I had to shoot a wedding the next day. I was okay until I told Troy what happened. I cried. I kept myself busy and thankfully there was a lot going on that I had to focus on. I was good until the reception when the slide show came on. It included pictures of their dog. I had to go into the bathroom because I just about lost it. I felt silly. Do other people get so upset about their dogs when they die? I feel like I lost a child.

Sunday was better but I cried most of the morning. We had a party to go to that night & thankfully that kept my mind busy.

Now it's Monday. I've cried most of the day. I have been trying to hide it from the kids. I don't want them to see me so upset. It's not fair. They are hurting too.

I decided to order a big canvas of him. It's going to be beautiful. It's one of my favorite photos. One of the last ones I took of him. I have no idea where I am going to hang it. My walls are almost completely covered in photos but I don't care. Even if I have to hang it on a door, it will go up somewhere.

I miss him. It's hard to accept it.  On Friday I changed my profile photo to a photo Kyle & I took with Hawk on NYE. Since then I have had a few photos that I have taken (or had taken of me) that I thought I should put as my new profile photo. But I can't. I am not ready to "replace" him. I am not ready for him to be gone out of our lives. I never got to say goodbye. I mean, I said goodbye to him when I left to get the kids at school, but that was just a "see you when I get home" goodbye. It wasn't a "bye forever" goodbye. He didn't have anyone there when he died. He was all alone. No one cuddled him. No one told him they loved him. He died all alone. That is the hardest thing for me. The fact that he died all by himself is devastating. When I think about it, I get sick to my stomach.

I know that in time it will get easier. I have been told countless times to think about the good times. We have so many. Trips to the dog park, the store, to Stillwater constantly, visiting family, long walks in random parks, constant snuggles and boring days just hanging out at home together. I have all that. I have lots of photos of him. He was part of my life for a long time.

I just miss him. Plain and simple.