Friday early afternoon the dogs were playing in the backyard like normal. This day was different though. Hawk, our 10 pounds 11 year old Min Pin escaped. It's not the first time he has done this. Even though our yard is fenced in, he will dig and get out. Since he is small it takes just a few minutes for him to do it and he doesn't do it very often. We started a project last fall & have been putting rock beds around the fence so he couldn't do that. We got half of the yard done & planned to finish it in the Spring. Sadly, this time he didn't return. Kyle found Hawk in the road a few blocks away. He had been hit by a car and he was dead. No one stopped to see if he was okay. He died. He died painfully and he died alone. Just about the worst way a dog can go. All alone.
I was gone when it happened. I had went to pick up the kids from school & Kyle was home on lunch. I am glad I wasn't there. I am glad the kids weren't there. I wouldn't have been able to witness it.
When I got home and found out I was numb. It felt surreal. I couldn't understand what just happened. I was just snuggling him that morning. I ate my lunch early that day & had leftovers from dinner the night before. I ate it at the couch with Hawk sitting on the lap. I rarely give Hawk any of my food but he looked so cute. I fed him some. He was so thrilled. Funny thing is that Kyle fed the dogs some of his chicken before letting them in the backyard that day too. So at least he went with a full belly.
The rest of Friday was spent crying. Pretty much the entire day. I tried to stop but I couldn't. Everything hurt. I missed him. He has been apart of my life for so long.
In 2005 I turned 21 and for my birthday Kyle said he was going to get me a dog. I searched the internet for dogs to adopt. None of them jumped out at me. Then I read an ad about a lady who needed to find homes for all her dogs. She was moving off her farm and didn't have room. Hawk was one of those dogs but back then he was called "Puppy" even though he was already 4 years old. lol There were no pictures but for some reason that ad spoke to me. I emailed the lady and we chatted a bit and she said we sounded like a great family. A few days later we took a 3.5 hour drive to the middle of no where to pick up Hawk. He was on a leash fresh out of the bath in the front yard waiting for us. He was nervous and scared but sat on my lap the entire car ride back. I took a billion photos of him on that drive home. Ones I'll cherish forever even though they are poor quality. I took a billion photos of him in general. Until I had kids, Hawk was in almost every photo.
The first few days with him were rough. He was very scared of us. He would bark when we went near him and would run away any time he tried to take him outside. We had to corner him to get his leash on him. I remember crying to Kyle saying that my dog hated me.
After a few days he started to warm up to us. He let us put him on the leash. He didn't bark at us and he even sat on the same couch as us. We were making progress.
It wasn't long after that he became the dog that I knew & loved for the past almost 8 years. Hawk went pretty much everywhere with us. He didn't mind sleeping in the car while we shopped as long as it wasn't too hot or cold. We left him at home for longer shopping trips however I am sure he would have much rather been in the car. Hawk & I were pretty much insperable. Even after we had the kids. He was always there. When I had Kegan I brought a picture of him to the hosptial with me. I remember telling Kyle how much I missed him & wished he could have been there with us.
We had a connection. I wish I could explain it. I loved Hawk. He loved me. It was more than just a dog/human relationship. As dumb as it sounds, Hawk was my doggy soul mate. We were meant to be together. He was meant to be my dog and I was meant to be his human. I never met anyone who had a connection like we did. Kyle, who is a big dog person and had them all his life, said he never had a connection with a dog like I did. I have heard the before too. Hawk was my dog.
I am so scared I will never have that connection with another dog. I feel like something is missing in my heart. There is a huge hole. A void. This dog had an extra special place in my heart. What if I never have a dog who loves me like Hawk did? I love my dogs, don't get my wrong, but the love I had for Hawk and the love he had for me was different. I miss that. I want that.
Sometimes Kyle would drive me to work before the kids were born. When he'd pick me up I'd walk out & see Hawk at the window. His whole body would be shaking because he was so excited. Kyle would tell me that as soon as he said "Want to go see Mommy!" He would bark and jump and get so excited.
Hawk could jump high. That dog must have been part trampoline. lol Whenever he got excited he would bounce all over the place. Even after he broke his leg and the doctors said he'd never jump again, he did. Nothing kept him down. Whenever I'd walk in the door I'd get a little dog jumping at me. Anything to get closer. Up until he died just about every time I'd come home I'd pick him up and hug him. He'd kiss my cheek and we'd snuggle for a mintue.
Coming home is strange. It's a lot quieter. He may have only been 10 pounds but he sure was loud when he wanted to be. My feet are colder at night because I don't have him sleeping under the covers anymore. When I take a bath I am not going to have him sleeping on the rug because he had to be close to me.
It's been a very hard few days. I drank a lot Friday night. Kyle played mom and dad that night so I could escape reality for a bit. It didn't matter. That is all I could think about. I cried all night. I barely slept. I had to shoot a wedding the next day. I was okay until I told Troy what happened. I cried. I kept myself busy and thankfully there was a lot going on that I had to focus on. I was good until the reception when the slide show came on. It included pictures of their dog. I had to go into the bathroom because I just about lost it. I felt silly. Do other people get so upset about their dogs when they die? I feel like I lost a child.
Sunday was better but I cried most of the morning. We had a party to go to that night & thankfully that kept my mind busy.
Now it's Monday. I've cried most of the day. I have been trying to hide it from the kids. I don't want them to see me so upset. It's not fair. They are hurting too.
I decided to order a big canvas of him. It's going to be beautiful. It's one of my favorite photos. One of the last ones I took of him. I have no idea where I am going to hang it. My walls are almost completely covered in photos but I don't care. Even if I have to hang it on a door, it will go up somewhere.
I miss him. It's hard to accept it. On Friday I changed my profile photo to a photo Kyle & I took with Hawk on NYE. Since then I have had a few photos that I have taken (or had taken of me) that I thought I should put as my new profile photo. But I can't. I am not ready to "replace" him. I am not ready for him to be gone out of our lives. I never got to say goodbye. I mean, I said goodbye to him when I left to get the kids at school, but that was just a "see you when I get home" goodbye. It wasn't a "bye forever" goodbye. He didn't have anyone there when he died. He was all alone. No one cuddled him. No one told him they loved him. He died all alone. That is the hardest thing for me. The fact that he died all by himself is devastating. When I think about it, I get sick to my stomach.
I know that in time it will get easier. I have been told countless times to think about the good times. We have so many. Trips to the dog park, the store, to Stillwater constantly, visiting family, long walks in random parks, constant snuggles and boring days just hanging out at home together. I have all that. I have lots of photos of him. He was part of my life for a long time.
I just miss him. Plain and simple.
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